uuuhm #abuse maybe, #ableist language/internalized ableism, this is rude of me to post im sorry dont look, its not fun rude i mean like, i dont know

basically the Big Relationship i just got out of in february, the three years thing, was constructed as a pale relationship that did not function at all after a certain point, we were good together partly because we were good creative partners but the worse my mental state got the less i was able to try to engage with them about fanworks or meta and they were not very emotionally open so it became basically that i just couldnt talk to them in any meaningful way i wasnt worth their time because theyd end up busy doing meta/creative stuff with other people because i was too scared of them to talk about any ideas i had and they got angry with me for feeling upset and anxious about being ‘replaced’ in that sense and basically even though they never said anything of the sort i constantly felt stupid and basic and obnoxious and just horribly inferior compared to them so now i automatically interpret 'pale crush’ as “intellectual equal and therefore deserving of emotional care,” as things that are heavily tied together and i was trapped in a pale relationship where i didnt actually have either of those things, so no matter how much the main conscious part of me is very excited and endeared and encouraging, there is also a broken record that starts up going “you’re stupid you’re stupid you’re stupid you’re stupid and not worth anyone’s time anyone smarter is better more deserving you’re stupid you’re stupid you’re too stupid to deserve love” so, so, Yeah, i dont know, i dont want to make anyone feel guilty i really really dont it’s probably awful of me to say any of this i just, nnnneed to lay it out because, repressing memories of that relationship has not been the best thing for me it’s exacerbating my problems with feeling strong emotion and remembering things about myself so, telling myself that my reactions are completely logical given those experiences, helps a lot, not that having a good reason automatically means my right to be bothered by something is the most important factor, i don’t want it to negatively affect anything i just want to, be allowed to say that i have this negative anxious response to a thing i actually feel positively about because of a bad situation, and it’s okay to want that acknowledged in some small way, i dont know, sorry if i’m being a jerk, i dont want this to change anything i just want to be allowed to talk about it, ugggggh