#abuse i think still

it’s so weird and scary that 90% of my current social circle didnt know me while i was with them it’s, it’s reassuring that i was able to make new friends relatively quickly afterward but i just, i dont know, i wish there were people who could tell me whether i’m any different now and if it’s in a good way, i can’t remember what i was like during or before, my mom said once that she could sort of tell i’d changed but that’s so strange because, i only spent time with her two or three times in the whole eight(?) months i was living with them and that’s when things got bad, i dont really know what’s different about me i dont know who i am i’m glad that i’m enough of a distinct person that, i’ve got new friends, and that there are a couple people who knew me then who always preferred me over that person, but i dont know, i wasn’t really close to anyone but them, for a lot of the time, basically inseparable for three years, and granted they werent too close to anyone else either, but not nearly as isolated as i was, and they ended up replacing me, and i saw it coming and my anxiety and jealousy over it pretty clearly pretty literally just, made me too annoying to be worth keeping around, maybe if i hadnt been so upset over it they would at least have continued speaking to me, ugh ugh awful codependence i hate how codependent i am but i’m not even fully sure if, if it actually counts as codependence when there’s also an element of isolating someone, but i guess it was weirdly mutual i dont know i cant keep track i cant balance it in my head sometimes i think about it and all i can remember is the awful shit i did to them god god i was really objectively bad to them i did, something, i did something really horrible, i was shitty in general but there was a specific thing i did that was not okay, but then other times i think about it all and all i can remember are the things they did to me, and the scariest part is trying to remember and accept that there were positive things about that relationship and i just, i dont know, i dont know who i am at all