more long rambling about that

literally like, lying in bed staring at the ceiling while it rains outside listening to elliott smith and adele, feeling nauseous over how strongly i felt about her, i dont even, fuckin know, im struggling to remember clearly enough to actually explain what i saw in her it’s abstract as hell in my brain, we were both ~Writers~ and similarly liked melodramatic shit about Dangerous Girls, couples who murder together/each other, shitty dingy convenience stores and shit, she had a huge thing about trains that rubbed off on me, ugh kids we were such fuckin children i mean, fourteen and fifteen, i think we related in a lot of ways we just didnt have the words to explain and there was so much miscommunication because of it, brain problems shit, accidentally being flippant in hurtful ways because we didnt know how to explain or understand, there was a bizarre sense of familiarity pulling us together but at the same time we were horribly mismatched, but at least when it came to creative stuff fictional situations and projecting on them, it was easy to picture what was going on in each others’ heads, easier than usual and we talked in so much code and references ahaha it must have been insufferable and we both had weird hard-to-explain discomfort with our birth names so we constantly were using alternate names for each other which was nice but again kind of embarrassing and. man. i dont know. i dunno. i have a lot of trouble remembering things about that relationship i was. not doing well, at least partly because of it but yeah i just was Not okay brainwise in eleventh grade and. improved a lot after breaking up with her for good and that led into. the long pale relationship. the first year of that, senior year of high school, haha that… that was, the last, maybe only year i can distinctly say was “a good year,” a year where i was happy, before that i have to go back too far and dont remember clearly enough, and after graduating i crashed really hard and was probably the most outwardly messed up ive ever been, lots of things worsening, and then last year was when i lived with that ex and, yeah, mmph, ive been away from them since the end of february and things have been, good for me but i guess it just feels like a big blank area, i havent done much, in some ways ive gotten worse even as others are way better, it feels blank because ive sort of gone blank as a defense mechanism, but i dont like it so i’m fighting the blank because it means not being able to remember things and i dont like it so, that’s why i’m making posts like this, and i know that talking like this is, i guess probably a big part of what drew chess to me so much so it’s good, if i do this more i can keep feeling… like i’m living up to their expectation of me? which i know isnt an actual thing but i still worry about it so. the standard for myself that i project onto them. for their benefit. i guess. yeah